Heaven, Cloud 13, Sector 5
by loscar
Summary: Ever wondered what happens upstairs after an accident occurs? There s SLASH: so no like, no read! J/N


TITLE: Cloud 13 – Section 5 and Interns  
AUTHOR: ladyloscar  
PAIRINGS: Jack/Nathan  
RATING: PG-13  
CATEGORY: Humor?

WORDS: 1.671

DISCLAIMER: Not mine - sadly  
SUMMARY: Ever wondered what happens upstairs after an accident occurs?  
WARNINGS: I can´t think of one… oh if you´re searching science – here is none… just miserable interns  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: First off: DON`T look at me as if I lost my mind – I was blissfully scrubbing the floor of the garage with the good ol´ blotch-vaporizer aka hydrochloric acid when this scary little bunny attacked me. In retrospect: I probably should have worn that damn mask…

As always not betad… but spell-checked.. at least my microsoft word said there are no mistakes...

**Heaven - Cloud 13 – Sector 5**

"Yeah?"

"Come in!"

"STOP knocking on that damn door and COME IN! – Jeez"

"Ah young man, you must be the new intern I requested last year. The main office mentioned you´re new to this kind of job? Yes? Well, don´t block the doorway... come over and take a seat. So now tell me exactly what you know about working here!"

"Why are you still staring? Never seen a guy with wings? You haven´t been around long, have you? ... What? Yes, yes, I do have a halo, too. I just send it to maintenance for the dent removal – it happens a lot around here. Why? Well – accidents happen. You will learn that soon enough. What? NO! I don´t want to scare you, besides you don´t have a halo or wings for that matter so stop worrying and start telling me what you know about your new position here on cloud 13."

"Oh stop stuttering around! Let me guess – you didn´t read the manual? You did? Why do I not believe you? Well it doesn´t matter now. You are STILL standing, by the way. I did tell you to take a seat, didn´t I? Jesus – I need a tea!"

"Mary? Can you send us tea and cookies in here, please?"

"What are you staring at now? Oh, yes we do have an internal communication system. How did you think we communicate with the other sections not to mention the main office? Carrier pigeons? It is the twenty first century – technological progress does NOT stop at the gates of heaven. While we´re on it, you do know how to handle the computer system, right? No? Why not? I thought you worked as an intern in the main office and I know for a fact that they DO work with computers up there. … Oh, you worked on cloud 26 – well that explains a lot. There aren´t that many virgins that get eaten by dragons anymore. Okay – Mary will show you how to work the system properly, later. So and now tell me what you know."

…

"Oh thank you, Mary."

"Do you want milk or sugar in your tea? No? Want a cookie? Here. DON`T crumple on the carpet – makes Mary furious. Go on."

"Oookay – that doesn´t even cover the half of it. Firstly: We´re not the common-accident section. That would be cloud one to seven. We´re on cloud 13 – which is primary concerned with the unusual accidents, for example falling off the sidewalk and landing on a bed of nails or jumping in the doorway and breaking your skull – that kind of accident…. Basically all accidents that don´t fit on any other cloud. Section 5 is for the extra special accidents that mainly happen in the name of science – specifically experimental science. Therefore we mainly have to deal with the souls of scientists, which isn´t nearly as easy as it sounds, believe me."

"You may wonder, why there is a whole section just for this kind of accidents. You do? I knew it. Why didn´t you ask? You´re nervous? Boy, you´re in heaven! Nobody is going to do you any harm – you may get laughed at for your stupidity but that´s all there is. What? No, I´m not the laughing kind of guy. Tee hee hee"

"Back to topic: This section was founded in the early 1920th. And had you read the manual as I asked you to do, you would know that at the reason was a small town in Oregon USA called Eureka. What? Yes! One section for one little town – I know it´s uncommon but if you´ll let me explain you´ll see there´s an absolutely verified reason for it. As I said: Eureka… It´s small town full of scientists, who are working mainly on experimental science. You get my drift? Good. It became rather soon apparent that they, under these particular circumstances, need their very own section. Huh? NO! That isn´t strange at all. Well, what do you expect, when you put a lot of very, VERY smart people in one place?"

"Our main problem is –and that will be part of your job – to make sure that the person, whose soul is send up, REALLY is dead. Yes – there are some that aren´t really dead, just temporarily misplaced. Hm.. Maybe misplaced is the wrong word – it´s more like safekeeping the soul until the body of that person is re-materialized. Don´t ask me how they pull that stunt off – I´m not a scientist. No – we don´t have that often but it does happen and it´s easier to let them stay here until they fixed the body downstairs than let them wander around and having to search the whole universe for them – after all we´re talking about scientists and they love to explore the unknown… let them wander off and you may never find them again. Yes, that would be unpractical. We don´t want the body go to waste just because we couldn´t find the inhabitant."

"Am I confusing you? NO? Then why do you have that dumbfounded expression – it doesn´t suit you… if you have a question ask them! That´s why we have that talk. You may take notes… it gets a lot more complicated in a minute."

"Oh, and there are even special cases among the misplaced. Yes! It gets complicated now. So… where was I? Oh yes! Special cases. One we got yesterday, and it´s a particularly difficult case. A Dr. Nathan Stark was send to us yesterday – NO he isn´t happy about it. Problem with him is they think he´s dead downstairs. Yes! That´s a BIG problem. Why? Because there´s nobody who will fix his body, that´s why! Yes! That was a stupid question. No, we are not keeping him here. … Because he´s NOT dead.. besides he´s moping and scaring the staff."

"You´re taking notes, right? Good boy."

"Now, there are not many possibilities on how to handle the situation. So, we are going to work with the good old miracle routine. Yes! We do practice miracles from time to time. A soul has to deserve it. And considering his accident happens in order to rescue the whole town – possibly the whole world, on his wedding day, no less – he does deserve the miracle show. The problem with this is, though, that we have to give him a plausible explanation for his way downstairs and his sudden re-appearance, otherwise he would end up as lab-rat in one of his very own laboratories. No! That wouldn´t be nice."

"Where he is? One floor down, in the main lobby. Well, we can´t let him wander around – scientist remember? Right now, we´re trying to figure out where to put him down. We can´t let him pop up out of thin air. What? No, he doesn´t even believe where he is, let alone that he will be send back. So, NO, he won´t help us. He has his very own problem right now, and it does not have anything to do with where he is or how he gets back."

"Hey! Don´t eat all the cookies!"

"What bigger problem than death? Well, the poor bastard realized in the last minutes before the accident that he´s in love! Why´s that a problem? I did mention it happened at his wedding day, right? So there already IS a woman in his life. Problem is, the person he´s in love with is NOT his ex-wife/soon-to-be-wife-again… OH don´t ask THAT is even more complicated. He is in love with the town sheriff. The very male town sheriff. WHAT??? You really didn´t read the book…. We´re here in HEAVEN not the church!! We don`t CARE who they love as long as they stay on the right path, they´re welcome on whatever cloud they end up! JEEZ! MORON!!"

"I curse, swear and offend whenever and whoever I want!!"

"OH, stop crying!

"Okay, go to Mary at let her teach you how to handle the computer system – NOW!"

…

"Jesus! That one will be fun. Not. … Sooo, Nathan… what am I going to do with you?"

_**TWO DAYS LATER**_

"Yes?"

"Ah, you again."

"Calmed down? Good, good."

"Now, what brings you to my office? Ohooo… you got it? Great! Let me see!"

"Put the disc in the player, please."

"Awww… aren´t they cute together? I told you it is a good place to put Nathan down. Hm? Oh, you weren't present as we made the decision. We put him down near his true love AND managed it right on time. Jack – the aforementioned town sheriff – was on the edge of breaking down in his own bedroom. The poor boy had to maintain the stoic façade for nearly three days."

"Ah, there you see? He´s crying. Wait… wait… waaaaaaait… There comes Nathan…. Yeah the light show was pretty spectacular. Oh, don´t worry – a little surprising is it for everyone. Jack will survive the shock. See? He can´t believe it but he hopes. GOD in such moments, I love my job! What? Oh that´s normal too – reassurance by touch. Aaaaaaand … YEAH! Jack´s smiling! LOOK at them… really look at them… this can´t be wrong if it makes them this happy."

"Awww… they´re kissing."

"Wow – and what a kiss that is…"

"What are they doing now? Oh… OHHHH…hmchrm… we better let them alone! Stop the disc! NOW! Give them a little privacy!"

"NO you can´t keep the disc!"

"NO I will keep it in the safe – Why? Because I don´t trust you! What? Two days ago you screamed bloody murder from the suggestion alone that two men love each other and today you want to WATCH??? GO find work to do! NOW!"

…

"Alone at last…. So… how do I get the player to work?"


End file.
